Don't Think I Can't Hear You...I Can

Time for another post, and this one is, I think, one of the most insightful posts I've ever written since I started this blog back in May.

The topic today is about something I 100% can relate to and to this day, still struggle with, as this individual with Autism. I'm talking about my EXTRA sensitive hearing.

So, as many of you doctors, researchers, parents, and even Autistic people like me may know, Autism partially effects our sensoric parts and components in our brain, making us more sensitive to how we see, how we touch, how we react to certain textures, and most importantly, how we hear. People with Autism, as Elmo puts it (props to Sesame Workshop and Sesame Street for Julia, the first muppet with Autism), have really good hearing, so we hear much more acutely than the average non-Autistic person.

There are so many videos on YouTube to help people better understand, but I figured I'd share what it's like from my own perspective. Let's say I'm upstairs doing homework in my quiet room with soft music playing. Then, all of the sudden, you hear cars passing by. Then, you hear a baby and toddler yelling and crying with the TV on downstairs. And let's not forget the music from the bathroom with the shower head running, the thumping from the dog scratching, and the sirens from THREE, yes THREE, blocks away. Now, take all that and add the ability to try and focus as hard as you can at the same time. See where I'm going with this? In my mind, it starts out with a "I'll just ignore it," and the noises grow more and more and more loud in my mind. With the amount of concentrating and trying to ignore the noises, it gets too much. I lose it. I put my work aside, crawl in this ball, and cry and sometimes, I wail and scream.

I do this because it releases the tension and plus, I can't handle that much noise. I crumble and breakdown like no tomorrow. It's pretty bad. What most people don't understand is how this effects people like me. If they did, then they'd help us instead of judging us. And I get the judgement all the time, even now as I'm older. They give me whispers. They think I can't hear them, but I can, and it hurts. It hurts a lot.

So, THAT, my friends, is the reason why I'm on my phone with my earbuds in my ears when in a restaurant and in the store. It helps me escape from the real world to my world. My world is my calming place and helps me relax and not get worked up in public. I cover my ears when everything gets too loud, which is usually a "Hey, I'm kind of struggling here," sign. I distance myself from everyone and my surroundings, and 65% of the time, I don't even speak at all until I'm stable enough to talk without even thinking about my possible meltdown.

This is how I cope; when I notice it early, I take deep breaths, count to ten, and take a break. If I notice it a little bit later, I take my Play-Doh, and I use that for a little bit until I'm okay. If I notice it a little bit later than that, I start going in my world, which involves me dancing, acting, and singing at the very top of my lungs (I mainly do acapella experimentation, but we're not getting into that), and watching VeggieTales. If I notice three seconds before the meltdown, I realize that I need to let it out, and I do. It's not the way I want to let it out, but it's the way I am, and I love who I am. I just wish I didn't have to wail and scream 65% of the time.

Bottom line: I wish people would try not to look at me like Autism is a disease and that I can control it, when in reality, I can't. Educating people about Autism is the first step to understanding us and become more aware that things like this is WAY beyond our control. That is why I decided to take this job as an author/advocate, to help everyone better understand us so they are not too quick to judge us.

So, don't think I can't hear you, because believe it or not, I can.